New Hobby – Alcohol

So, I spent most of the day crying. I managed to not cry at my desk, but I scheduled some time to go cry in the background. I also completed some job applications, but what is the point? I’m sending these things out, hoping for something to happen, but it hasn’t happened in four years, so why should it happen now? True, I almost got a job offer at a place I could’ve been happy at as a full-time and was happy as a part time, but it did not required any foreign language skills and had nothing to do with Latin America. I thought I would fare better in the Latin America in the U.S., i.e. south Florida, WRONG! I was told, oh, you resume is so great, you speak so many languages, come to South Florida, WRONG!. They only want their own, people who have never left this god-forsaken area. And it’s a disadvantage that I am not exactly Latin American…

So, I didn’t exactly get offered the full-time, but I was being interviewed for it and it seemed very likely. They want me back for a part-time, so I guess they were the only ones who didn’t lie to me. My old boss said he would want me back if I was still unemployed, so he got his wish. I do appreciate his honesty, but what about my wishes? Er, past tense, the wishes that I had, because now I am done with aspiring to be anything. What exactly is the point of that? I down-played everything on my resume and got an interview for a Reservations Manager at a hotel. I chose the hotel because of its’s expensive clientele. I’ve been told that I am easy on the eyes, and sense that is the only thing that I can market these days, why not market it hard? There’s a part of me that regrets turning down an offer to be one of many girlfriends for this unattractive old guy I met at the pool. He had money, or so he said, and he was European and mentioned marriage… Damn you self-esteem and pride for turning down money and European citizenship! *cringe*

I’m a bit buzzed right now, yes. I was saving the cachaça for a happy occasion, but then that requires some type of hope for a better future, so why not use it to make the occasion happy? I feel good. I haven’t felt good in a long time, and it feels good. I wish I could go somewhere, but I know no one to ask, and I can’t drive. Even in this state I know my limits.

But where was I… I have chosen to be atheist, not that wasn’t it… I turned down a job to experience south Florida. FAIL! With a master’s degree, I’m overqualified. By not being Latin American, I’m under-qualified. I do have a job waiting for me beginning January, but I have to move back and I have no money. I mean, I have enough to move back, as a long as I don’t get a demand letter…

The buzz is wearing off… Time for another drink…

Ok. Ice and cachaça is not good. I’ll need to get some fruit juice tomorrow…

So, there’s a position open overseas. I hope to be considered for that, but I was told I have the wrong citizenship. I know someone else who also has the wrong citizenship working in the same city, so why not me? But there it is, it has always been not me. I regret not going for that full-time job, but silly me wanting to use my language skills which are worthless in the US. Also, I was offered the ability to interview for the full-time and I didn’t even apply because I was focused on moving to Florida, a-n-d thought I had no change because I had applied to other full-time jobs in vain. I also think one of the reasons they were interested because I had that I was attending a MSc Economics program. That came up in the interview… maybe I should put that back on, but seriously, I will since I am technically just on a “leave of absence”.

So I believe in God, I guess, but now I am atheist because God does not believe at me. I worked for some conniving bastards who are not number one in their industry, but are still making money, so if God really cared, that would not be so, right? And here I am contemplating living out of my luxury car, which I bought, used, because I basically said f- it. If I am going to be on the brink of poverty because of student loans and dreams, I might as well splurge so people can say it’s because of lavish spending. I love my car. I could live out of it, but I am a female, and I don’t want to be raped. Someone at my last job made a comment about the company raping its franchisees, I think he is still employed. God, maybe now would be a time to step in…

So, still feeling happy off the juice. I want to get some actual juice so I can bring it to work with me to keep me going, or… this can be that aspiration that I need. I can go to work looking forward to the paycheck and the drink, because they paycheck isn’t enough, I need something to make me happy. That’s an idea…

Another so… So, to wrap this up, I’m embracing the effect of alcohol, or specifically, rum, cachaça, and tequila. Plus I need to lost weight to actually get one of these modeling gigs I have been auditioning for, work at the strip club if they’ll teach me to dance, get one of those suggardaddies off the internet, and go to this cattle call interview for the Reservations Manager. The positions is more than respectable, but I know they’re looking for someone pretty and respectable. That’s what they want here. The languages help, and I learned along time ago to hide where I went to college. I did not lie: I went to a specific college within the university, so I just put the college. You can probably deduce now, that it wasn’t Yale or Harvard. But I played the system and got the interview. I downplayed my other positions, emphasizing the customer service, I’ll ask some friends to be the recommenders, and hopefully this works. This worked for Victoria’s Secret, although I disclosed my MA and the job titles. I was also lied to and told I could be on the Manager track that would come two years later… So basically my education counted for nothing. Why was I going to stay at a place that basically told me I wasted money on college?

I mean seriously, I just can’t anymore. I can use the alcohol to give me what I need to put on a happy face, and be the pretty, dumb girl, because that’s what people want. People at my job today were talking about my old place of work, they didn’t have all the facts straight, and I thought about saying something, but I held back. I’m supposed to be the admin asst without any aspirations, who didn’t finish college or high school for x, y, z reason and has to be told when to do things despite being able to cuss you out in five or six languages you don’t know and create macros around your ass… So I said nothing, and stayed in my lane… I stayed in character.

Everything else has failed me, so I will allow the alcohol to let me stay in character. It keeps me going. Alcohol, soup, and water is my new diet for happiness and weight loss. And I’m limiting my phone calls. My parents preach this foolishness called hope, and my friend wanted to advice me to gain more work experience instead of getting an MBA while I had my first job at 14 and she had her first in college or after, I have a grad degree and she doesn’t, and the preBusiness advisor at our college was only concerned about my quantitative deficiency. When she asked me about grad school I based it on MY OWN EXPERIENCES IN GRADUATE SCHOOL. Her “advice” was based on her feelings, no doubt corrupted by South Florida, assuming I did not work while in grad school. Yet she got a scholarship to Columbia. So, I guess it’s back to the alcohol, the only thing that makes since, because doing the “right” thing sure as hell doesn’t. FYI, if I got knocked up I would be able to get welfare, but since I do not desire to be a baby-mama, I get penalized for not having a ward for the state to take care of… Food for thought.

Also, I know I veer on the line of bitterness and contempt, which is why I have prescribed myself at least one cup of hard liquor per day to help alleviate those symptoms… indefinitely.


Where Does That Leave Us

I have a source of income other than my investments. For that I am extremely grateful. Other emotions that I am feeling are anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, and lonliness.

I had prayed for vindication (along with a steady source of income of course) after losing my first full-time + benefits job after being lied about, gossiped about, and treated as inept, and I got it. My former job, which I enjoyed a lot, wants me back. It’s another contract position, although I had applied for a full-time, but they want me back nonetheless. And these people are more reputable than they place I had been working full-time in my current locale. So now I can say that I am also satisfied, but this is also why I am confused.

They said they liked me work and the would hire me back, and their living up to that, if only I could tell me former boss who thougt it best to fire the person with the highest numbers. I would say nothing, just show the offer.

The contract position would not start until January. It’s investment analysis in financial services, so it would be a step in the right direction, and some people have gone on to top b-schools, although they had been working full-time and not as contractors…

So the question I am asking myself is: do I leave what I thought was my dream state to move back to the area that I had expected to stay in, but couldn’t? I would say yes, but I don’t want to rush into anything, especially since I still owe a lot for moving expenses here, and can’t really afford to move. I can’t afford to stay though.

I had called some friends to discuss this, and I feel that that was a mistake. I also probably was not clear. (So much for those excellent communication skills I claim to have.)

I started studying for the LSAT (again) last week, and the day after I started studying for the GMAT. I am shooting for the top 14 for both more or less, with some safeties that I hope will give me a full-ride. I will need to be more strategic about where I apply like with undergrad, especially considering that some of these applications are $250.. My application process for graduate school was chaotic. It’s too late for me to apply to start law school in fall 2015, but I can still apply to business school to start fall 2015. I have to wait to assess my scores, but I need options. I think either would be a good fit. And right before I graduated high school, I was considering both. I need to have a plan, but I am thinking that I also veered off the plan and wasted money getting an MA in International Affairs, but I will strive to keep looking forward.

So I called one friend in the area. I guess for advice, but from a place considering my situation and not hers. I feel that I gave that to her by listening to what she wanted to do with her life and told her to think about the path, but I do not feel that I got the same from her. I think her basis was perception and no first-hand experience. When I spoke to her about graduate school it was from the perspective of someone who had been through it, and probably rushed into it. My intentions were to stay in DC and work for a nonprofit or government entitity though. Her advice was to get work experience. Ok. Vague. I actually do have work experience. I’ve been working longer than she has. Her advice was also if I were to go to school, to work at the same time. (Blank stare.) That’s what I did in graduate school, and its not possible to do this in business school, at least for the places that I intend to attend. If for work experience, she meant at least a year with the same company, working 40 hours a week, and receiving company benefits, I could see that. But what exactly is the point of that? I’ve been able to work in a variety of industries. Finding a full-time job only became an issue when I could no longer use my parents’ health insurance, and when I did not want to have to keep living week to week, but in my private sector job, I also had to constantly prepare for being fired at any given notice. I have a meeting with a b-school advisor today, and I believe that that is who I should be speaking with about my chances of being admitted. I didn’t want to get on the defensive with my friend, but I was just expecting to hear something that I didn’t know and something that would help, but instead, I wanted to ask her if she wanted to financially support me, since she really seems to think that it’s just sitting there waiting to be grabbed. She’s also the one who sucked me into paying about $70 for a drink when I was unemployed. I feel like in this area, most people are like that, lacking the ability to empathize.

She also said that I am already well-educated. What does that have to do with anything? The point of getting a MA was not to be well-educated, it was to be employed, which brings me to my other friend.

My other friend is done “playing around” as she calls it. She wants to make a name for herself. You can’t be mad a that. She is working on starting her own business while being the stereotypical housewife combined with the majority of the child-rearing responsibilities, and finishing her MBA. She decided now that she wants a JD as well. She wants to be “well-educated” like what my other friend called it. They’re actually both from the same area… The housewife friend, to be blunt, carries herself like arm candy. Any bit of advice I would give, unfortunately would fall of deaf ears. She looked for jobs on CraigsList and her husband let her. He’s very well employed and I’m 100 percent certain he wasn’t looking on Craig’s List. She’s not on LinkedIn, and she’s doing a temp gig as a receptionist. She could easily get a business internship. She was talking about her husband’s salary with the promotion, so why not actually gain some relevent job experience? Unless she wasn’t being honest about the income, and then there’s the issues with her doing most of the house work and childrearing. Not making me want children, and certainly encouraging me not to rush to get married lest I marry the wrong one for me. She thinks we’re in the same boat. I guess maybe I could at least tell her that my temp gigs do not go on my resume. Only related experiences that support the brand I’m trying to establish go on the resume. Maybe she does not undersand this, but where is her husband in all of this? I don’t have enough energy for myself.

So I don’t want to alienate my friends, but I don’t get back what I put out, and that’s what actually led to some of the time spent away from these two people in particular. I feel the same way about the job market, even in this role that I am in now. I process payment: ie I send an email with a signature approving payment. I let people tell me to be the contact person, but when I’m actually contacted, I do not know what the payment is for. From prior experiences in this state, I’ve learning that proactivity is not rewarded. They prefer to micromanage and to have to tell you want to do, so here I do my job, I get the paycheck, that is it. So someone called me about an email I sent and wanted the backup. I learned this term from my last job. Ironic. The person then goes on to talk about what it’s for and to be very adamant about what is needed as if I am the one that should know. Then someone else contacted me about a voicemail I left and scheduling the service. Just because I am the point of contact for one thing, does not mean I am the point of contact for everything. But they had accustatory tones, like I should know what is not being told to me. This is the same thing that happened at the other place. I feel that basically, the conclusion is, I am not a good Administrative Assistant, and I don’t know why people think I am. It’s like who ever is hiring the vendor’s services should know what they need to send to the purhcasing department. I just make sure it gets there, and I can relay what’s missing, but it’s like I can only go off of what was told. The other people have more intimate connections with the vendors, so they should know the ends and outs of that, my scope is the main policy and the funnling of information to the appropriate person. Blame me if you don’t speak to the right person, but don’t blame me for giving insufficient information because I relayed all the info that was given.

So where does that leave us? I’m over this state and over being an administrative assistant/receptionist/pseudo administrative assistant (the other job called it Business Analyst). Put me in some back room where I generate reports, analyze data, and relay the findings. That’s what I do. I am not a gopher.

Also, I just thought of something about the friend who discouraged me from going to business school. She wants to quit her job because she feels that it is not one that would help her get into business school. So why in the hell is she encouraging me to continue being a temp and searching for jobs in vain? I wonder if selfishness is something that’s just in the water here…


Giving Up

I’m trying to figure out, when would be a good time to throw in the towel. Especially where I am now where I was hoping to be the diamond in the rough because most people don’t leave, employers seem to have low expectations, and there’s chivalry. Unfortunately, with not being from here, I get the resistance to outsiders, low expectations means micromanaging, and chivalry also leads to sexism and stupid comments like you’re not afraid to drive on the highway!? Or, you play basketball!?

I think September 2013 was when I stopped applying to full-time jobs all together. By the end of the year, I was confirmed to start an MSc program in the summer, but that was just a back up plan to get me to the city I wanted to live in. I wasn’t going to get a private loan, so I accepted the federal loan. I took a big risk. I also took a big risk on the stock market/Netflix, and that paid off, but my risk in Brazil is starting to prove less lucrative…

When I moved to my dream city, I don’t think I applied to many places for full time work. This was around May/June 2014. I can’t, physically or mentally, apply to another non-profit in the US. Now they want years of experience working in a developing country. I’m from the inner-city, I can easily go find roughness and poverty close to home. And I’ve heard horror stories about the Peace Corps, not to mention the debt that I have, why go abroad to get sexually harassed when I get sexually harassed here, but have laws that I could stand on? I really can’t work for people, like my last company, who pull requirements out of their asses.

So plan C, is being a temp worker. I’ve done this before. At least I get paid more than minimum wage. My only issue is that I’m not learning marketable skills, I’m working in a role that has no career advancement/development, I’m working for people I should be working alongside (if I wanted to work in a slow-paced environment were people spend a lot of their time gossiping and micromanaging, sticking to the status quo, and paying people to do nothing – or in my case  blog and submit job applications to other people… don’t know what I would’ve done without a computer), I’m being micomanaged, and I have to push myself to not push myself. From my last experience I have learned that in some environments, even if they may say otherwise, their not about improvement. They like the status quo. The like putting forth minimum effort, or just enough of what is needed to get status, pass the buck, or throw someone under the bus. I’m learning to keep my head down and do what is told, and nothing more, pretend that I don’t have a mind of my own. They like that.

So, I have applied to full-time jobs here, and elsewhere. I’m feeling that if I want what I had, I might have to go to cities that are actually known for being more intellectual, even though I did not want to give into that stereotype. I might even have to move back to live with my parents, and that pious pastor can be right: that a woman’s place is in the home and with her parents until she gets married. My independence was rebelliousness that was beat out of me.

The truth is I can’t temp forever.. Well maybe I could, but my bills would never get paid. I certainly can’t apply to any full-time positions in this field because I would have to discard my standard resume and either omit my college degree or lie about it if they’re looking for one.

It’s hard to think that I’m where I would be had I not even graduated from high school, and being where I am and my image, people will and do think that I did not graduate high school. For my pride and their pride (that’s what it is), it is best for them to think that. My supervisor knows that I have a MA, but I don’t believe from where, and if she asks, which I doubt she will, I will have to lie. The woman from the temp agency has seen my degrees, but I don’t think she understands the weight that they carry (in some places) and the cost, because all she had to say was that because I moved around a lot, it would be harder for people to hire me full-time. Where I’m from, people say that attending school in different areas and visiting different areas are in asset, so maybe that is another sign that I might need to leave this city and state…

I had an interview and was asked about my career goals. Honestly, I don’t know what they are. I had said research, writing, and using my languages in the interview, because I was being honest, but I wish I would’ve said it better because the last two are not relevant to that position. I could see myself in that role though and definitely growing within the company, if the company is what they claim to be… At this point, I really just want to be financial stable/secure, and be able to travel. I have not even been fully in the rate race, but I’m already tired of its foolishness. Before college, I thought I was going to law school. I took the LSAT once, it was embarrassing. I bought another prep book yesterday, to use at work while I do nothing and learn nothing, so we’ll see where this goes. In high school I interned at a law firm. I spent a lot of time reading, but when I did something, it was worthwhile. I even got a change to network. I was proactive and drafted a demand letter, and was praised for it. I’m not looking for praise, and I know I make mistakes, I guess I’m just looking for constructive feedback and skill/knowledge development.

Just a moment ago, one of the people in the office came by to see if I had been hired. They’re looking for a permanent person. I told her no, but they are looking for a permanent person. The other temp that was here was only looking for part time and she mentioned the opening and was excited about the $30K. Any money is good, but I would have to move out of my apartment if I took that, and then I might as well go back to my parents home. I would rather go back to my parents’ home, especially since they’re in a city where I could get paid more doing the same thing. I’ve told people no before, but I doubt they will be asking. I have showed up late. I have a problem with that here, yes. It usually happens when I am bored or depressed. I don’t understand why I have to show up so early to do absolutely nothing. It seems to be an image thing. This position is about image. Important people have Administrative Assistants (Secretaries) to schedule meetings for them when they could just use the scheduling assistant in outlook. Process improvement.

I also really don’t like people asking me for where stuff is. That’s my job now, but I have not been here long, and I do not plan on staying. I also did not do what I did to be asked anything other than about things related to translations, political movements, economic development, social changes, or other concepts that require indepth and occassional abstract discussion. To order supplies you go online and place an order, to find where people sit, you look on your computer in the address book…

I admire people who do this because it requires a lot of patience. I really don’t want to do this. It’s exhausting agreeing with everyone everyday, being idle, and not doing anything that requires some form of research.

Transitions Too

First off, let me give my sincerest apologies for the typos. I’ve just been free writing these posts and hoping that the words come together in a cohesive organized fashion.

So I started my new job in July. But, before I get to my first day, when I received the intial offer, based on conversations I had had with the recruiter, I thought I was going to get a signing bonus, and that helped me deal with the fact that I felt I was being underpaid by $10K. I was also hoping to start in June. Well once I got the offer with no bonus, I was distraught. I still had a lot of moving expenses to cover, so I was hoping that this offer would get me over that hurdle. I thought about the offer and realized I had no choice to accept, and resigned to be grateful for a salary that was above average for the area, but low for what I could be offered elsewhere. I was sincerely grateful, but there was just some miscommunication.

I was working in collections. Past tense, yes, as you can tell, I am no longer there. I was fine with working in collections. I put my budget together and looked forward to the end of the year when I would recover from the move. The people I worked alongside with seemed nice, the office was multilingual (the majority owners of the company are also Latin American), and the company is recognized worldwide. I put aside the fact that their product depends on exploiting the inability of poor people to afford more healthy lifestyle choices. (I would occassionally buy the product, but I was trying to actually stay away from it completely.)

The company is not cheap or frugal, they are stingy. They provided no supplies;  you would just take what someone left. That’s was not a problem. I was excited about working together as a team to meet our MBOs and get that end of the year bonus. I am very competitive and I strive to be first. Especially as the only female in that role, I was going to be first. However, first, I took a step back and observed. A shadowed a veteran in the position as I waited for IT to gicve me the access I needed. It took them a month. They didn’t respond to emails, those that said they would assist did not respond to emails. The culture was pretty much unless you are important within the company what you have to say does not matter, especially if you are new and a female. To those essentially not from the Northeast, I can be brasive. I felt that I was being hustled too, also part of the company culture, and I felt that I had been lied to about the “teamwork” at the company. They guy I was shadowing also advised that it was best to keep my head down, I should have listened – but I really couldn’t, and that I should be more assertive. I’m not one to pretend I know something when I don’t. I ask questions. Asking questions and understanding the full process was frowned upon (especially since very few people knew what the process, policies, and procedures were). I was trying to collect money from one client and she was asking about a trace number. I tried to but her in touch with AR, asking them to supply the information that she needed because that was not my area and I had no idea what she was talking about. There was silence on the other end. Eventually the women in AR said she did not respond because she did not understand… Ok.

The guy I was shadowing also suggested I push back a little more. In retrospect, I don’t know whether he was being helpful or whether it was a ploy to get me let go. But that’s the enivronment that company fosters, one where you cannot trust your team, you have to look over your shoulder, and you make sure you are not the last one holding the ball. I was warned by people when I had applied to the company last year, but I figured it could never hurt to try, especially since there are very few worlwide companies based in my “dream” city (not sure if I want to be here anymore). There were no good things said before I got there or when I was there. It was about the money, and there was soooo much gossiping going on. That was really foreign to me.

But so, I took the reigns. First I attended a quarterly meeting, found out a family member had passed, and then I decided that the slowness and confusion at the office needed to end, and I was going to focus on getting that bonus. I don’t miss deadlines. (I might have missed some.) But I didn’t go to the schools that I went to, and learn the languages that I did while missing deadlines and not being results driven, one of the company’s mantras. I get results. I was going to have the highest collection numbers, and all my accounts were going to be reconciled by the end of the year, because I could do that. Our collections goal was 95%, but I could go past that. After the quarterly meeting I saw how much the 1st place field performer got, and I wanted that. I needed that.

I put the experience aside after how long it took for me to get the tools I needed to do my job. For being so results driven, the company sure did not do much to provide me with the tools to do my job and not just sit there twittling my thumbs. One of my colleague’s said they like to just throw you in there to see how you do. I had given IT space, but several requests went in for the same thing, and the first ones were even from the higher ups. They were supposed to clone another ID, which they had done in the past, but they weren’t able to do it now for whatever reason, and they did not communicate that. They did not say they needed more information, they ignored it. Then once the ticket was assigned, they only addressed one request. I did say thank you along they way as I got help, but I realized I needed to have a more heavy-hand and really push them for quality and follow-through. They just wanted the ticket out of their queue. Another time, they said they were waiting for approval. The first two times, IT gave me the names of whom I could follow up with. One of them was one of my supervisors (reading and responding to emails was not something of value there), and the other was someone who had an away message on and instructed the receiver of that email to contact someone else for immediate needs! Did IT acknowledge that email, no! It just sat in purgatory…

I got quicker results when I was more direct, which came as I got a better understanding of the process with no help from my boss who was in the field and gave no feedback. This was the trial period, so maybe it was normal to not provide feedback? I had contracting positions that were longer and with more respected companies and they provided feedback: constructive criticism, and praise. Most of what my boss said was why don’t you do it like the other guy, this is not what I got before, as the people there. So I spent more time communicating with AR and with people at the headquarters, because when I pushed them, I got answers. My vibe from my boss was that he just wanted to be left alone and wished I was a guy, particularly that other guy. I sensed a lot of whining, and it appeared that for being a mostly male environment, a lot of them needed to grow a pair. (Pardon my French).

Then the rest of the field team. They said let them know if I needed them to follow up with the franchisees in the field. I did, and conversations were spotty. It was mostly email, again the emails that no one really reads. As the merger approached, I guess that was when the conversations were less. Right before then I wanted to quit and regretted not having continued to submit applications in June as I waited for my July start date.. I was grateful to be done with the job application process, or so I thought…

So most of the franchisees were cool. This one lady was fussing, literally whining about how it had been two weeks since she got a response. It had been less than a week, I was on bereavement, and she conveniently omitted my response emails from her chain with her whining. She was one of those women whose husbands allow them to play around with the business although they lack common sense, skill, and the aptitde to acquire those things. I have nothing against rich people, the elite, etc. The ones that I know who have more clout than that lady and are much more respectable. So the field guy who works with her followed up with me, which I appreciated. He wasn’t cc’d on all the emails, so I sent them to him and explained that she was lying about the response time and new it. I took his advice and tried to cc them on the emails going forward. As some of them sat on documents I was told to collect, I wasn’t cc’d though… Also this one field guy let everyone else call him Bill, but for me I had to address him by William… He was cordial to me for the most part though, except this time when we were dealing with a difficult franchisee and he wanted me to get the policy so we could be clear and present a unified front so his credibility wouldn’t be messed up. No one cared about my credibility as I “followed up” (those annoying words that everyone used without being specific and being sure that they were talking to the right person), and I should have been more concerned. BILL was there before I was, so he should’ve already known the policy. And the way he was talking to me was as if I was his assistant. Even when I was let go I held my tongue, but with my experiences and connections, I really could have put him in his place…

I would contact franchisees about documents we needed and they would say they already turned them in and clearly highlighted the organizational and communication issues we were having. This one woman did not double check the status of the documents that she would email to everyone and say were pending… I met with her though and we got some clarity and I felt better about working for her. Right at the end of August I knew the process better than most people, and that was an issue.

July numbers were 99.1. My boss said he was surpised they were that high because he thought it was going to be impacted by something else. In August July numbers went to 98.1. AR applied open balances incorrectly, didn’t tell me they were applied at the end of the month, and didn’t work to get them paid because the collection numbers aren’t within their scope. Yes, it’s not within their scope, but they need to act with more discretion because of the impact on the company, and the so-called “team”. My boss was not aware of anything that was going on, and I don’t really think he cared much anyways. I was going to find the problem and fix it, which I did and now those jerks are benefitting from my hard work.

I worked early mornings and in the evenings. All they were concerned about was that they did not see me at my desk at 9:30am, when I was told I could work from home. The office was chaotic and unorganized. People would just find people to do things, even if they were the wrong people, and then I felt that I was intentionally being sabatoged, so I worked from home more to get the work done and get that bonus.

I worked so hard to correct what had impacted the July numbers, and got it fixed. It was impacting August numbers too. Everyone’s August numbers were low at the middle of the month. At the end of the month, there was still one guy with low August numbers, but mine were the highes at 99.8%. I was told a deadline. One franchisee had an Aug 29th deadline, and he represented the majority of my account. I was told to “follow-up”. I said it wasn’t due yet, so what should I do? I was handling it, but it seemed that they wanted something else, and I was trying to figure out if the deadline had changed or if the policy dictated something otherwise. They probably didn’t get this, because their minds probably resorted to she needs extra support. The only thing I needed was for people to shut up, calm down, and do things right the first damn time.

The numbers for all the regions were also affected in August because of one of our larger franchisees, in my area, but mananged by the guy who was formerly in my role. I don’t think the field team knew that, and I think they blamed me. The guy said he was going to handle it, and he did. In the end, by the deadline, all the numbers were there. In the middle of August, I felt that I was being forced out. I was out for bereavement and I had some people ask me if I was on vacation. I went to lunch with some people and there was some gossip, which surprised me, so I have no doubt that people gossiped about me. They did it in high school. I could have announced the family loss, but I didn’t want to talk about it because it was personal, and because I didn’t know the people at work well enough. Maybe deep down inside I also wanted to see what would happen, to see if people actually knew their own policy. My boss had actually said “take all the time that you need”. I didn’t take that literally, but I was also wondering why he would say that if it wasn’t true. I’m more of a literal person, and at all the other places I have worked at in my field there was more of saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and also integrity. I was supposed to edit some slides too at some point, and it said for field team, since I wasn’t on the field team, I didn’t work on that. I wasn’t trying to step on anyone’s toes, and I had other things I could be working on.

So with the merger, there were talks of layoffs. It had happened before. I was warned before getting there, and once there. I had a sixth sense about this. It was creepy. I was determined to be perfect, or at least be number one by the end of August. I worked long hours, mostly from home, and I think had I not been at home, they would have let me go sooner. First, I had called my boss to check in, he didn’t answer. He wasn’t available the previous week either, so I was a bit suspicious to be honest. I was told that the numbers were the lowest they had ever been, that people complained about my attendance, and that the franchisses complained. I was calm, but I asked about the numbers and pointed out that they were 99.8%. My boss repeated that the numbers were the lowest they had ever been in the last 15 months. He sounded like a broken record. My mother who has a MBA and worked for a more profitable company said that with mergers, companies have to be careful with how they let people go. But from that conversation, I sensed the BS. Then the HR person said it’s a results-driven place. I looked at her with a blank face and I also said I guess that I could be honest about everyone telling me not to work there since I was already out the door. All I was focused on was the results, and I ignored the brown-nosing. As I wanted to leave anyway, at least this way I was still getting my vacation time. They almost lef me with the bill on the corporate card though, and didn’t let me send in the death certificate to waive at least the fligh change fee.

That was a learning experience. It was my first hostile work environment. Beyond that though, in matrix organizations (I actively avoid them now), I should be more proactive in communicating with my boss, especially, and any other field members. I need to kind of brag/say what I have been doing each step of the way with regards to what they have asked of me. And also, its really not good to be desparate for any job, having options is better. I should develop a poker face, and unfortunately also talk more about my credentials, especially in places like this when more respect and response is given to those with that status. I hate the last one though, and hate environments like that. Everyone has a job to do, so everyone should be responsive, and not intimidated. Like my last boss longed for his all guy team, I now long for being around people who don’t micromanage, are more intellectual, are team players, are truly resuls-oriented, are concerned about adequate training, and are not intimidated. I had all that a companies/organizations that were more impressive than the last one I was at, and in areas that were less superficial and known for having workers who are about providing quality work while meeting tight deadlines.

Thankfully that this is but one spec out of all the places that I have worked, which if I were to be graded for all the jobs I’ve had would still put me in the high 90s, at a 99.8% perhaps… It would be so great to have stayed at number 1 for August, and have a chance to show my smug look.


I moved to my dream city and finally got a full-time entry level position that will actually lead to career advancement! I’m so excited that I’m speechless. I’m grateful and humbled considering what I have been through and what I have put my mother through to get to this point. My mother’s response to the news was go course, congratulations, but then she said I should start putting together a budget, which I have done before, but it tends to always get dismantled… A friend of mine who lives in the area was super excited for me, but then took it to a completely different level by talking about shopping. To her credit, she did talk about moving up the corporate level, but it seemed to all go back to dollar signs. At some point she even called me an inspiration.

I’m just really agitated, and unfortunately, I have been here before. There was an older woman back in my hometown who thought of herself as a second mother figure in my life although I never did. She was trying to help me through my depression, but for most of the time I had to take what she said with a grain of salt and just nod and say “ok.” She would offer advice that did not coincide with my beliefs, which had already allowed me to achieve more than I could have imagined and more than she could have ever imagined or experienced, and it would not sit well with me, just like the interactions with this friend are not sitting well with me now. Deep down inside, the women meant well, but she was speaking from her own experiences and fears without acknowledging that and then believing it to be a universally shared experience. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for being building off of commonalities, but a housewife who has never managed her own finances, does not have a college education, has not lived on her own, and who believes a woman’s place is in the home, has very little ability to relate to my experiences.

So then there’s my friend calling me her inspiration as I’m trying to figure out why we were friends to begin with and why we are still friends. At this point I feel that because of my experiences I am being called to be her friend and help her see what she cannot see or is unwilling to admit, but I really believe that she cannot handle the truth. We don’t have a shared struggle. She’s been through a lot in her development years, and in comparison I have lived a life of privilege. She grew up in a single parent home, has a stressful relationship with her mother, left college to pursue her dream, left her dream to pursue college and marriage, was finishing college when I was finishing graduate school (although I would’ve been done if I hadn’t taken a gap year), got married right after finishing school, and tried some new age birth control and then got pregnant two years too early and she’s still not clear on what she wants out of life. She then makes comments about how she can’t wait until I have a child and I start hyperventilating and call my mother to have her remind me that I do not need to feel/internalize the pressure to have children.

There’s just so much running through my head right now that I want to scream, but I don’t want to abandon her just because I got a new job and I can’t relate. But it’s that now I have this job I can better manage my finances and start to really pay off my loans and she’s just really impressed and my friends were already doing this. This is what people do. The work hard in high school, finishing college in 3-4 years, get a job, and then get married if they want, and then wait at least 1 year before having a child if they want. I know people who operate outside of that plan, but we’re not close. I got shaken up when the “get a job” wasn’t going as planned and had to learn to adapt and now I feel that my friend is just trying to suck me into her world so she can have someone who can relate.

When I met her she was an artist with a long-term boyfriend. It seemed that she dealt with some deadbeats in the past and found herself a good man, so honestly I believe that she needed him. Now besides her trying to set me up with the only shared trait between the guy and I being that we’re single, and the comments about me finding someone soon and having a baby, she says family is important to her, she wants a luxury car like mine, she wants to move up the corporate ladder, she wants to work to support her family, she has to get home to fix dinner, she wants to make a name for herself, and she wants to run her own business. She says things and I feel like I’m just a yes-woman. She really surprised me when she mentioned creating a business plan and I just want to tell her to focus on that and the family. I want to ask her if she understands that if she goes into corporate (specifically what I’m doing, which is what she references), she won’t be cooking dinners every night, and she will not have her baby, who’s actually a toddler, always by her side. I want to ask her when the last time is that she went on date night with her husband. I want to ask her when the last time is that she slept with him since the toddler still sleeps in the same bed and has no crib, and when her baby is peacefully in the arms of another she goes for her child because she misses her and the child is not crying for her, but yet later talks about how much she has to do.

I can’t do this any more. I am single. I can do what I do because I am single. I have chosen to be unmarried and without child to be able to do what I do. I shake my head even thinking about what she said about getting the same car I have. It’s a convertible that’s a faux-four seater. It’s a pre or post baby car, so that’s not going to happen. What is she thinking? Her set up is that she has the family car and the husband has the sports car, which I pretty sure he saved up for… So now I just want to scream what were you thinking!? And I’m just so scared. She can’t be talking about wanting to do more to contribute to her family and then talk about wanting my car, then saying her husband was concerned about her spending, and then planning a shopping trip. My God! I think she really tried to bond with me over the fact that we were both working for temp agencies and other temporary positions at some point, but our situations were still different because of the wages and types of jobs I had, as well as the fact that I was either focused on not selling my investments until I had exhausted all other financial options, and then doing what I could to have the funds to invest more and pay down my loans, while also finding time to have fun too of course.

There are just so many things going on, and I feel that it’s all superficial. I don’t eat out a lot, and if you give me a recipe, I can cook pretty much anything and it will taste good. Yet, people think as an unmarried woman I can’t/don’t cook. Why am I going to waste money on food that I can prepare myself? I would much rather put that money towards a nice apartment, car, traveling, and investing (I get a rush as my portfolio grows!). And that’s precisely what I do, while also refusing to pay inflated prices for apartments. I like clubbing, but I can get there when it’s free for ladies, and I don’t need a drink to have a good time. My friend new this about me, or maybe not because we didn’t spend to much time together one-on-one talking about our goals maybe. But now I think she has an image of me that seems like it’s from one of those reality shows like Love and Hip Hop, or whatever other show is out there about women being “about that life.”

Lord Jesus, I just want to scream! I can’t deal with this, but I’m letting it get to me because I feel that I am supposed to be her friend. I feel that I should be helping her. I know older married couples who have been through what she is going through. In some form or another, I research pretty much every path I decide to go on. Am I supposed to connect her to the knowledge I acquired through circumstance and proactivity? Or should she be out searching for mentors on her own?

I just want her to be herself and stop thinking in stereotypes.

She invited me on a couple’s trip once, which she said wasn’t a couples trip, but it was, and I felt so uncomfortable. I am perfectly fine with going out with couples, but they usually also have individual identities. I went out with my brother and his girlfriend and it wasn’t awkward. From that experience I also raised my eyebrow to her doing something that made her look like the damsel in distress… So if she plans a group outing, I’m not going. But I was thinking about one, that could help her deal with what I perceive is actually not enough couple time with her husband, and a friend would come with me. She asked if the other friend would be ok with that, and I do not get why my friend would not want to come along… Then there’s the baby. PUT HER DOWN! I guess the mother-in-law doesn’t want to watch her because she’s a handful. I guess… the child is one… I haven’t been around her much, and the only time she was hyper was after sugar, and then she just wanted to crawl around. That’s what the play pen is for, or the crib, which they do not have… My friend also commented that her baby was calm with me, and I saw her being passed around just fine… It looks to be a mommy thing… I was a nanny for one of those mother’s whose child was in elementary school, spoiled child and clingy mother… I’m not watching her kid again, and I’m not watching my friend’s kid if the situation turns out to be the same, which looks to be happening…

I have nothing to give. If she wanted her name in lights, maybe she should have thought about the plan, the hardwork, the continued struggle, and maybe actually having her name, and not also attaching the title of “mommy.” But then it’s like she’s more comfortable with the wife and mother role, so she should embrace that while also getting a crib, not going within smelling distance of the mall, and not wearing heels while carrying a child…