I had planned to first write more about my experience looking for jobs, but today has just not been a good day. I mentioned before that it had been several days since I thought about suicide, but today those thoughts came back to mind.
I woke up, like clock work, eight hours after I went to sleep. Instead of getting up and fixing a nice breakfast of eggs and italian sausages and then going for a run, I stayed in bed and I cried. My stomach was growling, but I just cried. I thought about the suggestion my friend made that I pray, and I think I prayed a little between the tears. But by the end, I was asking God why he had forsaken me.
In the midst of tears and attempts at prayer I remembered the poem, “Footprints in the Sand”. For a moment I thought, maybe God is carrying. It’s hard for me to doubt that because despite the feelings of hopelessness and deadness inside me, and thinking about what I could take or where I could go to end my life, I just can’t do it.
“Death is a release from the impressions of the senses, and from desires that make us their puppets, and from the vagaries of the mind, and from the hard service of the flesh.” – Marcus Aurelius