New Hobby – Alcohol

So, I spent most of the day crying. I managed to not cry at my desk, but I scheduled some time to go cry in the background. I also completed some job applications, but what is the point? I’m sending these things out, hoping for something to happen, but it hasn’t happened in four years, so why should it happen now? True, I almost got a job offer at a place I could’ve been happy at as a full-time and was happy as a part time, but it did not required any foreign language skills and had nothing to do with Latin America. I thought I would fare better in the Latin America in the U.S., i.e. south Florida, WRONG! I was told, oh, you resume is so great, you speak so many languages, come to South Florida, WRONG!. They only want their own, people who have never left this god-forsaken area. And it’s a disadvantage that I am not exactly Latin American…

So, I didn’t exactly get offered the full-time, but I was being interviewed for it and it seemed very likely. They want me back for a part-time, so I guess they were the only ones who didn’t lie to me. My old boss said he would want me back if I was still unemployed, so he got his wish. I do appreciate his honesty, but what about my wishes? Er, past tense, the wishes that I had, because now I am done with aspiring to be anything. What exactly is the point of that? I down-played everything on my resume and got an interview for a Reservations Manager at a hotel. I chose the hotel because of its’s expensive clientele. I’ve been told that I am easy on the eyes, and sense that is the only thing that I can market these days, why not market it hard? There’s a part of me that regrets turning down an offer to be one of many girlfriends for this unattractive old guy I met at the pool. He had money, or so he said, and he was European and mentioned marriage… Damn you self-esteem and pride for turning down money and European citizenship! *cringe*

I’m a bit buzzed right now, yes. I was saving the cachaça for a happy occasion, but then that requires some type of hope for a better future, so why not use it to make the occasion happy? I feel good. I haven’t felt good in a long time, and it feels good. I wish I could go somewhere, but I know no one to ask, and I can’t drive. Even in this state I know my limits.

But where was I… I have chosen to be atheist, not that wasn’t it… I turned down a job to experience south Florida. FAIL! With a master’s degree, I’m overqualified. By not being Latin American, I’m under-qualified. I do have a job waiting for me beginning January, but I have to move back and I have no money. I mean, I have enough to move back, as a long as I don’t get a demand letter…

The buzz is wearing off… Time for another drink…

Ok. Ice and cachaça is not good. I’ll need to get some fruit juice tomorrow…

So, there’s a position open overseas. I hope to be considered for that, but I was told I have the wrong citizenship. I know someone else who also has the wrong citizenship working in the same city, so why not me? But there it is, it has always been not me. I regret not going for that full-time job, but silly me wanting to use my language skills which are worthless in the US. Also, I was offered the ability to interview for the full-time and I didn’t even apply because I was focused on moving to Florida, a-n-d thought I had no change because I had applied to other full-time jobs in vain. I also think one of the reasons they were interested because I had that I was attending a MSc Economics program. That came up in the interview… maybe I should put that back on, but seriously, I will since I am technically just on a “leave of absence”.

So I believe in God, I guess, but now I am atheist because God does not believe at me. I worked for some conniving bastards who are not number one in their industry, but are still making money, so if God really cared, that would not be so, right? And here I am contemplating living out of my luxury car, which I bought, used, because I basically said f- it. If I am going to be on the brink of poverty because of student loans and dreams, I might as well splurge so people can say it’s because of lavish spending. I love my car. I could live out of it, but I am a female, and I don’t want to be raped. Someone at my last job made a comment about the company raping its franchisees, I think he is still employed. God, maybe now would be a time to step in…

So, still feeling happy off the juice. I want to get some actual juice so I can bring it to work with me to keep me going, or… this can be that aspiration that I need. I can go to work looking forward to the paycheck and the drink, because they paycheck isn’t enough, I need something to make me happy. That’s an idea…

Another so… So, to wrap this up, I’m embracing the effect of alcohol, or specifically, rum, cachaça, and tequila. Plus I need to lost weight to actually get one of these modeling gigs I have been auditioning for, work at the strip club if they’ll teach me to dance, get one of those suggardaddies off the internet, and go to this cattle call interview for the Reservations Manager. The positions is more than respectable, but I know they’re looking for someone pretty and respectable. That’s what they want here. The languages help, and I learned along time ago to hide where I went to college. I did not lie: I went to a specific college within the university, so I just put the college. You can probably deduce now, that it wasn’t Yale or Harvard. But I played the system and got the interview. I downplayed my other positions, emphasizing the customer service, I’ll ask some friends to be the recommenders, and hopefully this works. This worked for Victoria’s Secret, although I disclosed my MA and the job titles. I was also lied to and told I could be on the Manager track that would come two years later… So basically my education counted for nothing. Why was I going to stay at a place that basically told me I wasted money on college?

I mean seriously, I just can’t anymore. I can use the alcohol to give me what I need to put on a happy face, and be the pretty, dumb girl, because that’s what people want. People at my job today were talking about my old place of work, they didn’t have all the facts straight, and I thought about saying something, but I held back. I’m supposed to be the admin asst without any aspirations, who didn’t finish college or high school for x, y, z reason and has to be told when to do things despite being able to cuss you out in five or six languages you don’t know and create macros around your ass… So I said nothing, and stayed in my lane… I stayed in character.

Everything else has failed me, so I will allow the alcohol to let me stay in character. It keeps me going. Alcohol, soup, and water is my new diet for happiness and weight loss. And I’m limiting my phone calls. My parents preach this foolishness called hope, and my friend wanted to advice me to gain more work experience instead of getting an MBA while I had my first job at 14 and she had her first in college or after, I have a grad degree and she doesn’t, and the preBusiness advisor at our college was only concerned about my quantitative deficiency. When she asked me about grad school I based it on MY OWN EXPERIENCES IN GRADUATE SCHOOL. Her “advice” was based on her feelings, no doubt corrupted by South Florida, assuming I did not work while in grad school. Yet she got a scholarship to Columbia. So, I guess it’s back to the alcohol, the only thing that makes since, because doing the “right” thing sure as hell doesn’t. FYI, if I got knocked up I would be able to get welfare, but since I do not desire to be a baby-mama, I get penalized for not having a ward for the state to take care of… Food for thought.

Also, I know I veer on the line of bitterness and contempt, which is why I have prescribed myself at least one cup of hard liquor per day to help alleviate those symptoms… indefinitely.

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