New Hobby – Alcohol

So, I spent most of the day crying. I managed to not cry at my desk, but I scheduled some time to go cry in the background. I also completed some job applications, but what is the point? I’m sending these things out, hoping for something to happen, but it hasn’t happened in four years, so why should it happen now? True, I almost got a job offer at a place I could’ve been happy at as a full-time and was happy as a part time, but it did not required any foreign language skills and had nothing to do with Latin America. I thought I would fare better in the Latin America in the U.S., i.e. south Florida, WRONG! I was told, oh, you resume is so great, you speak so many languages, come to South Florida, WRONG!. They only want their own, people who have never left this god-forsaken area. And it’s a disadvantage that I am not exactly Latin American…

So, I didn’t exactly get offered the full-time, but I was being interviewed for it and it seemed very likely. They want me back for a part-time, so I guess they were the only ones who didn’t lie to me. My old boss said he would want me back if I was still unemployed, so he got his wish. I do appreciate his honesty, but what about my wishes? Er, past tense, the wishes that I had, because now I am done with aspiring to be anything. What exactly is the point of that? I down-played everything on my resume and got an interview for a Reservations Manager at a hotel. I chose the hotel because of its’s expensive clientele. I’ve been told that I am easy on the eyes, and sense that is the only thing that I can market these days, why not market it hard? There’s a part of me that regrets turning down an offer to be one of many girlfriends for this unattractive old guy I met at the pool. He had money, or so he said, and he was European and mentioned marriage… Damn you self-esteem and pride for turning down money and European citizenship! *cringe*

I’m a bit buzzed right now, yes. I was saving the cachaça for a happy occasion, but then that requires some type of hope for a better future, so why not use it to make the occasion happy? I feel good. I haven’t felt good in a long time, and it feels good. I wish I could go somewhere, but I know no one to ask, and I can’t drive. Even in this state I know my limits.

But where was I… I have chosen to be atheist, not that wasn’t it… I turned down a job to experience south Florida. FAIL! With a master’s degree, I’m overqualified. By not being Latin American, I’m under-qualified. I do have a job waiting for me beginning January, but I have to move back and I have no money. I mean, I have enough to move back, as a long as I don’t get a demand letter…

The buzz is wearing off… Time for another drink…

Ok. Ice and cachaça is not good. I’ll need to get some fruit juice tomorrow…

So, there’s a position open overseas. I hope to be considered for that, but I was told I have the wrong citizenship. I know someone else who also has the wrong citizenship working in the same city, so why not me? But there it is, it has always been not me. I regret not going for that full-time job, but silly me wanting to use my language skills which are worthless in the US. Also, I was offered the ability to interview for the full-time and I didn’t even apply because I was focused on moving to Florida, a-n-d thought I had no change because I had applied to other full-time jobs in vain. I also think one of the reasons they were interested because I had that I was attending a MSc Economics program. That came up in the interview… maybe I should put that back on, but seriously, I will since I am technically just on a “leave of absence”.

So I believe in God, I guess, but now I am atheist because God does not believe at me. I worked for some conniving bastards who are not number one in their industry, but are still making money, so if God really cared, that would not be so, right? And here I am contemplating living out of my luxury car, which I bought, used, because I basically said f- it. If I am going to be on the brink of poverty because of student loans and dreams, I might as well splurge so people can say it’s because of lavish spending. I love my car. I could live out of it, but I am a female, and I don’t want to be raped. Someone at my last job made a comment about the company raping its franchisees, I think he is still employed. God, maybe now would be a time to step in…

So, still feeling happy off the juice. I want to get some actual juice so I can bring it to work with me to keep me going, or… this can be that aspiration that I need. I can go to work looking forward to the paycheck and the drink, because they paycheck isn’t enough, I need something to make me happy. That’s an idea…

Another so… So, to wrap this up, I’m embracing the effect of alcohol, or specifically, rum, cachaça, and tequila. Plus I need to lost weight to actually get one of these modeling gigs I have been auditioning for, work at the strip club if they’ll teach me to dance, get one of those suggardaddies off the internet, and go to this cattle call interview for the Reservations Manager. The positions is more than respectable, but I know they’re looking for someone pretty and respectable. That’s what they want here. The languages help, and I learned along time ago to hide where I went to college. I did not lie: I went to a specific college within the university, so I just put the college. You can probably deduce now, that it wasn’t Yale or Harvard. But I played the system and got the interview. I downplayed my other positions, emphasizing the customer service, I’ll ask some friends to be the recommenders, and hopefully this works. This worked for Victoria’s Secret, although I disclosed my MA and the job titles. I was also lied to and told I could be on the Manager track that would come two years later… So basically my education counted for nothing. Why was I going to stay at a place that basically told me I wasted money on college?

I mean seriously, I just can’t anymore. I can use the alcohol to give me what I need to put on a happy face, and be the pretty, dumb girl, because that’s what people want. People at my job today were talking about my old place of work, they didn’t have all the facts straight, and I thought about saying something, but I held back. I’m supposed to be the admin asst without any aspirations, who didn’t finish college or high school for x, y, z reason and has to be told when to do things despite being able to cuss you out in five or six languages you don’t know and create macros around your ass… So I said nothing, and stayed in my lane… I stayed in character.

Everything else has failed me, so I will allow the alcohol to let me stay in character. It keeps me going. Alcohol, soup, and water is my new diet for happiness and weight loss. And I’m limiting my phone calls. My parents preach this foolishness called hope, and my friend wanted to advice me to gain more work experience instead of getting an MBA while I had my first job at 14 and she had her first in college or after, I have a grad degree and she doesn’t, and the preBusiness advisor at our college was only concerned about my quantitative deficiency. When she asked me about grad school I based it on MY OWN EXPERIENCES IN GRADUATE SCHOOL. Her “advice” was based on her feelings, no doubt corrupted by South Florida, assuming I did not work while in grad school. Yet she got a scholarship to Columbia. So, I guess it’s back to the alcohol, the only thing that makes since, because doing the “right” thing sure as hell doesn’t. FYI, if I got knocked up I would be able to get welfare, but since I do not desire to be a baby-mama, I get penalized for not having a ward for the state to take care of… Food for thought.

Also, I know I veer on the line of bitterness and contempt, which is why I have prescribed myself at least one cup of hard liquor per day to help alleviate those symptoms… indefinitely.

Where Does That Leave Us

I have a source of income other than my investments. For that I am extremely grateful. Other emotions that I am feeling are anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, and lonliness.

I had prayed for vindication (along with a steady source of income of course) after losing my first full-time + benefits job after being lied about, gossiped about, and treated as inept, and I got it. My former job, which I enjoyed a lot, wants me back. It’s another contract position, although I had applied for a full-time, but they want me back nonetheless. And these people are more reputable than they place I had been working full-time in my current locale. So now I can say that I am also satisfied, but this is also why I am confused.

They said they liked me work and the would hire me back, and their living up to that, if only I could tell me former boss who thougt it best to fire the person with the highest numbers. I would say nothing, just show the offer.

The contract position would not start until January. It’s investment analysis in financial services, so it would be a step in the right direction, and some people have gone on to top b-schools, although they had been working full-time and not as contractors…

So the question I am asking myself is: do I leave what I thought was my dream state to move back to the area that I had expected to stay in, but couldn’t? I would say yes, but I don’t want to rush into anything, especially since I still owe a lot for moving expenses here, and can’t really afford to move. I can’t afford to stay though.

I had called some friends to discuss this, and I feel that that was a mistake. I also probably was not clear. (So much for those excellent communication skills I claim to have.)

I started studying for the LSAT (again) last week, and the day after I started studying for the GMAT. I am shooting for the top 14 for both more or less, with some safeties that I hope will give me a full-ride. I will need to be more strategic about where I apply like with undergrad, especially considering that some of these applications are $250.. My application process for graduate school was chaotic. It’s too late for me to apply to start law school in fall 2015, but I can still apply to business school to start fall 2015. I have to wait to assess my scores, but I need options. I think either would be a good fit. And right before I graduated high school, I was considering both. I need to have a plan, but I am thinking that I also veered off the plan and wasted money getting an MA in International Affairs, but I will strive to keep looking forward.

So I called one friend in the area. I guess for advice, but from a place considering my situation and not hers. I feel that I gave that to her by listening to what she wanted to do with her life and told her to think about the path, but I do not feel that I got the same from her. I think her basis was perception and no first-hand experience. When I spoke to her about graduate school it was from the perspective of someone who had been through it, and probably rushed into it. My intentions were to stay in DC and work for a nonprofit or government entitity though. Her advice was to get work experience. Ok. Vague. I actually do have work experience. I’ve been working longer than she has. Her advice was also if I were to go to school, to work at the same time. (Blank stare.) That’s what I did in graduate school, and its not possible to do this in business school, at least for the places that I intend to attend. If for work experience, she meant at least a year with the same company, working 40 hours a week, and receiving company benefits, I could see that. But what exactly is the point of that? I’ve been able to work in a variety of industries. Finding a full-time job only became an issue when I could no longer use my parents’ health insurance, and when I did not want to have to keep living week to week, but in my private sector job, I also had to constantly prepare for being fired at any given notice. I have a meeting with a b-school advisor today, and I believe that that is who I should be speaking with about my chances of being admitted. I didn’t want to get on the defensive with my friend, but I was just expecting to hear something that I didn’t know and something that would help, but instead, I wanted to ask her if she wanted to financially support me, since she really seems to think that it’s just sitting there waiting to be grabbed. She’s also the one who sucked me into paying about $70 for a drink when I was unemployed. I feel like in this area, most people are like that, lacking the ability to empathize.

She also said that I am already well-educated. What does that have to do with anything? The point of getting a MA was not to be well-educated, it was to be employed, which brings me to my other friend.

My other friend is done “playing around” as she calls it. She wants to make a name for herself. You can’t be mad a that. She is working on starting her own business while being the stereotypical housewife combined with the majority of the child-rearing responsibilities, and finishing her MBA. She decided now that she wants a JD as well. She wants to be “well-educated” like what my other friend called it. They’re actually both from the same area… The housewife friend, to be blunt, carries herself like arm candy. Any bit of advice I would give, unfortunately would fall of deaf ears. She looked for jobs on CraigsList and her husband let her. He’s very well employed and I’m 100 percent certain he wasn’t looking on Craig’s List. She’s not on LinkedIn, and she’s doing a temp gig as a receptionist. She could easily get a business internship. She was talking about her husband’s salary with the promotion, so why not actually gain some relevent job experience? Unless she wasn’t being honest about the income, and then there’s the issues with her doing most of the house work and childrearing. Not making me want children, and certainly encouraging me not to rush to get married lest I marry the wrong one for me. She thinks we’re in the same boat. I guess maybe I could at least tell her that my temp gigs do not go on my resume. Only related experiences that support the brand I’m trying to establish go on the resume. Maybe she does not undersand this, but where is her husband in all of this? I don’t have enough energy for myself.

So I don’t want to alienate my friends, but I don’t get back what I put out, and that’s what actually led to some of the time spent away from these two people in particular. I feel the same way about the job market, even in this role that I am in now. I process payment: ie I send an email with a signature approving payment. I let people tell me to be the contact person, but when I’m actually contacted, I do not know what the payment is for. From prior experiences in this state, I’ve learning that proactivity is not rewarded. They prefer to micromanage and to have to tell you want to do, so here I do my job, I get the paycheck, that is it. So someone called me about an email I sent and wanted the backup. I learned this term from my last job. Ironic. The person then goes on to talk about what it’s for and to be very adamant about what is needed as if I am the one that should know. Then someone else contacted me about a voicemail I left and scheduling the service. Just because I am the point of contact for one thing, does not mean I am the point of contact for everything. But they had accustatory tones, like I should know what is not being told to me. This is the same thing that happened at the other place. I feel that basically, the conclusion is, I am not a good Administrative Assistant, and I don’t know why people think I am. It’s like who ever is hiring the vendor’s services should know what they need to send to the purhcasing department. I just make sure it gets there, and I can relay what’s missing, but it’s like I can only go off of what was told. The other people have more intimate connections with the vendors, so they should know the ends and outs of that, my scope is the main policy and the funnling of information to the appropriate person. Blame me if you don’t speak to the right person, but don’t blame me for giving insufficient information because I relayed all the info that was given.

So where does that leave us? I’m over this state and over being an administrative assistant/receptionist/pseudo administrative assistant (the other job called it Business Analyst). Put me in some back room where I generate reports, analyze data, and relay the findings. That’s what I do. I am not a gopher.

Also, I just thought of something about the friend who discouraged me from going to business school. She wants to quit her job because she feels that it is not one that would help her get into business school. So why in the hell is she encouraging me to continue being a temp and searching for jobs in vain? I wonder if selfishness is something that’s just in the water here…