Giving Up

I’m trying to figure out, when would be a good time to throw in the towel. Especially where I am now where I was hoping to be the diamond in the rough because most people don’t leave, employers seem to have low expectations, and there’s chivalry. Unfortunately, with not being from here, I get the resistance to outsiders, low expectations means micromanaging, and chivalry also leads to sexism and stupid comments like you’re not afraid to drive on the highway!? Or, you play basketball!?

I think September 2013 was when I stopped applying to full-time jobs all together. By the end of the year, I was confirmed to start an MSc program in the summer, but that was just a back up plan to get me to the city I wanted to live in. I wasn’t going to get a private loan, so I accepted the federal loan. I took a big risk. I also took a big risk on the stock market/Netflix, and that paid off, but my risk in Brazil is starting to prove less lucrative…

When I moved to my dream city, I don’t think I applied to many places for full time work. This was around May/June 2014. I can’t, physically or mentally, apply to another non-profit in the US. Now they want years of experience working in a developing country. I’m from the inner-city, I can easily go find roughness and poverty close to home. And I’ve heard horror stories about the Peace Corps, not to mention the debt that I have, why go abroad to get sexually harassed when I get sexually harassed here, but have laws that I could stand on? I really can’t work for people, like my last company, who pull requirements out of their asses.

So plan C, is being a temp worker. I’ve done this before. At least I get paid more than minimum wage. My only issue is that I’m not learning marketable skills, I’m working in a role that has no career advancement/development, I’m working for people I should be working alongside (if I wanted to work in a slow-paced environment were people spend a lot of their time gossiping and micromanaging, sticking to the status quo, and paying people to do nothing – or in my case  blog and submit job applications to other people… don’t know what I would’ve done without a computer), I’m being micomanaged, and I have to push myself to not push myself. From my last experience I have learned that in some environments, even if they may say otherwise, their not about improvement. They like the status quo. The like putting forth minimum effort, or just enough of what is needed to get status, pass the buck, or throw someone under the bus. I’m learning to keep my head down and do what is told, and nothing more, pretend that I don’t have a mind of my own. They like that.

So, I have applied to full-time jobs here, and elsewhere. I’m feeling that if I want what I had, I might have to go to cities that are actually known for being more intellectual, even though I did not want to give into that stereotype. I might even have to move back to live with my parents, and that pious pastor can be right: that a woman’s place is in the home and with her parents until she gets married. My independence was rebelliousness that was beat out of me.

The truth is I can’t temp forever.. Well maybe I could, but my bills would never get paid. I certainly can’t apply to any full-time positions in this field because I would have to discard my standard resume and either omit my college degree or lie about it if they’re looking for one.

It’s hard to think that I’m where I would be had I not even graduated from high school, and being where I am and my image, people will and do think that I did not graduate high school. For my pride and their pride (that’s what it is), it is best for them to think that. My supervisor knows that I have a MA, but I don’t believe from where, and if she asks, which I doubt she will, I will have to lie. The woman from the temp agency has seen my degrees, but I don’t think she understands the weight that they carry (in some places) and the cost, because all she had to say was that because I moved around a lot, it would be harder for people to hire me full-time. Where I’m from, people say that attending school in different areas and visiting different areas are in asset, so maybe that is another sign that I might need to leave this city and state…

I had an interview and was asked about my career goals. Honestly, I don’t know what they are. I had said research, writing, and using my languages in the interview, because I was being honest, but I wish I would’ve said it better because the last two are not relevant to that position. I could see myself in that role though and definitely growing within the company, if the company is what they claim to be… At this point, I really just want to be financial stable/secure, and be able to travel. I have not even been fully in the rate race, but I’m already tired of its foolishness. Before college, I thought I was going to law school. I took the LSAT once, it was embarrassing. I bought another prep book yesterday, to use at work while I do nothing and learn nothing, so we’ll see where this goes. In high school I interned at a law firm. I spent a lot of time reading, but when I did something, it was worthwhile. I even got a change to network. I was proactive and drafted a demand letter, and was praised for it. I’m not looking for praise, and I know I make mistakes, I guess I’m just looking for constructive feedback and skill/knowledge development.

Just a moment ago, one of the people in the office came by to see if I had been hired. They’re looking for a permanent person. I told her no, but they are looking for a permanent person. The other temp that was here was only looking for part time and she mentioned the opening and was excited about the $30K. Any money is good, but I would have to move out of my apartment if I took that, and then I might as well go back to my parents home. I would rather go back to my parents’ home, especially since they’re in a city where I could get paid more doing the same thing. I’ve told people no before, but I doubt they will be asking. I have showed up late. I have a problem with that here, yes. It usually happens when I am bored or depressed. I don’t understand why I have to show up so early to do absolutely nothing. It seems to be an image thing. This position is about image. Important people have Administrative Assistants (Secretaries) to schedule meetings for them when they could just use the scheduling assistant in outlook. Process improvement.

I also really don’t like people asking me for where stuff is. That’s my job now, but I have not been here long, and I do not plan on staying. I also did not do what I did to be asked anything other than about things related to translations, political movements, economic development, social changes, or other concepts that require indepth and occassional abstract discussion. To order supplies you go online and place an order, to find where people sit, you look on your computer in the address book…

I admire people who do this because it requires a lot of patience. I really don’t want to do this. It’s exhausting agreeing with everyone everyday, being idle, and not doing anything that requires some form of research.

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